See the drawings before this page?

They are just the big gaps between the dates when I should have written many interesting and unforgettable scenes of my life. Big gaps, yet full of adventures and cries, bonded by memories and love.

For all the people who wish to read this someday, i'll try to jot down everything as much as my memory can recall. To tell you, this task isn't easy. There were some of them that I wanted to forget and didn't want to be discussed anymore. But I believe, with God, that the most effective way of forgetting is by accepting and learning from them. They were challenges that were made to test and strengthen and even mold us for a greater battle ahead. We should be thankful to God, for without pain, we'll never recognize Him.

I think its good to start during the times before I went home for a semestrial break. I was sad, really very sad. Uh! How could I explain the feeling?! I was so down, so low, that I almost lost my grip of faith...of hope... of my temper upon dealing with my friends.

Maybe I was just too proud to admit that i wasn't able to make it to the top like when I was in high school. I was too proud to let them know how upset I was. I was too afraid to reveal the truth about it. I was haunted by the fear of facing my old classmates, my friends, neighbors, especially my father who expected more than anyone did. It was hard to accept the feeling of failure, of an unexpected mistake, of the consequence of stupidity, of not being able to meet other's expectations. I was afraid, yes, but atleast they already knew now.

When i went home, I was ready. Thanks God, He gave me the strength. And now that they already know, the reason behind the failure will always remain a mystery. Everything has a limit. Especially this life of mine. Except perhaps someday, when Im ready to spill the bean.

As of now, atleast I have the joy of being honest to myself. I knew the reason very well, I accepted it, I learned from it. As I plan to take a master's degree in UP Diliman, I have the edge of experience. This I promise myself, I won't fail....again.

Shame on me if Im fooled twice.

During my stay in the house, everything was fine except perhaps when my father's income was delayed. My mother was forced to pawn some of her jewelries for my sister's and my enrolment fees. But totally and generally, everything was fine.

I seldomly met my father. He was dismayed, I could see on his face. How mean I was to say I can give him all my life when even a single favor I can't do him.

I was horrible. There  was nothing I could do. Forgive me.

So much for the drama. I know he accepted what was my destiny. He was still planning for a big celebration for my upcomng graduation. Anyways, I missed my sisters very much. esp. moshee. She is really good in dancing just like her ate...(snicker )... She is behave and well-mannered in her young age., and cheerful unlike any other baby. She looks like my father. Sometimes, I am shaken by her eyes on mine. The way I feel everytime my father looks at me disappointed or not. I wished my brother was there, I brought them pasalubong...(some sort of souvenirs)...I just realized he was in Manila.

I miss him. He is very kind and did me nothing but good things. Im sure he'll get sad too if he'll learn that I will not be graduating cum laude, MY LIFE'S GREATEST FAILURE.

 

As I go home, I'm not that complete. I'm not even that happy. This semester was really a tough one. I encountered lots of difficulties. The nice thing is that I still managed to go through this life. The bad thing is that I almost give all and forget myself.

That was all about handling time during hectics.

I had fun chatting just a while ago. It's months since I quit chatting. It was since I quit blogging, surfing, writing and even thinking about myself. Everybody noticed just recently, I didn't have special entries about my DADIY. Well, though we're almost 5 months Im not really sure about my feelings for him. Why I want to stay? Why do I insist to stay?

Its all about what I had given. I dont want them to go to waste. And perhaps, I had given him my all. There's nothing left for another anymore.